I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
