I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
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