pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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