Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
