Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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