Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
