I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
