Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
