How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
