Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
