how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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