I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
