He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
