the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
