I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
