When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
