I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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