I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
