meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
