I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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