I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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