So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
do herpes really smell.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
