Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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