My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize