I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
