Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
