I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you never un-have a 4some
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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