I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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