Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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