I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
