Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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