the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
