break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
