I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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