I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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