There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
