I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
