are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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