when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
