I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
is that a dick in a sweater?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
