and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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