Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
