If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
