I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
