my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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