I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
