paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
