have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If I had your ass I would rule the world
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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