You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
