I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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