What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
