good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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