I just found a bag of teeth...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize