Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
