But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
