Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
its not stalking. its research.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
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