I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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