Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
