I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize