I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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