It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
